Dr Dai's Blog - a life before recovery...

Here is a first in a series of blogs from people who are affected by eating disorders in Wales. It is from Dr David Samuel, who suffered from anorexia, and who is now a practising Doctor in Prince Charles Hospital, Merthyr Tydfil. He is a member of the cross party group on eating disorders, and is active in his area in raising awareness of eating disorders amognst young people.

Dyma'r blog cyntaf mewn cyfres yn arwain at wythnos anhwylderau bwyta gan bobl sydd yn cael eu heffeithio gan y salwch yng Nghymru. Mae'r un cyntaf yn dod gan Dr David Samuel a oedd yn cael anorexia, ac sydd nawr yn Ddoctor yn ysbyty Tywysog Siarl ym Merthyr Tydfil. Mae e'n aelod o'r grwp trawsbleidiol ar anhwylderau bwyta, ac mae'n gweithio'n galed yn ei ardal i godi ymwybyddiaeth o'r salwch ymysg pobl ifanc.


Every day when I wake up I thank the lord I recovered….. I still cannot believe how lucky I am to be a doctor but also to be free of Anorexia. 4 years of suffering almost killed me and came close to destroying my family. To live a normal life day in day out is often take for granted. Here’s what life used to be like for me before recovery…. Thank goodness these events are now a thing of the past!


Woke up at 6am this morning. When I say wake up, that is when I started my exercises in my bedroom. I had been lying awake for hours before, calculating my calories for the day ahead, planning my intake and exercise for the day ahead.

Counting the calories and steps each day is like breathing. A fundamental necessity to my existence. My mind thinks of nothing else. Not a moment can be spared to think of social events, sport, family or friends. My mind is filled and overflowing with thoughts of my fat, ugly shape, calories and eating and exercise. There is room for my work because I am a failure and must work harder to ensure I pass. To fail at medical school would shatter my life. Life would not be worth living at all then!

My day is safe, My day is set. A routine of the same breakfast, same lunch and salads for tea is easy to follow. How can so many people eat all day. How can they eat chocolates and pies and cakes? This diet is so much easier to follow.

Slowly I can start feeling my ribs and hips poking through my cold, thin, hairless skin. I shiver every second of the day and summer feels like the arctic to me. I am dreading the winter when the fire and heating will have to come back on. The deep, stabbing pain that fills my bones and muscles is unbearable but I now it has to be endured if I am going to stop looking fat. Being fat is worse than shivering and suffering in silence.

Anorexia gives me control. Assignments stress me out. Long hours on the wards take me away from the important things to do in the day – exercise and counting calories. At least it is work and the more I work the less chance there is of failing.

Weekend is on the way. My worst time of the week. Pressure from Mam and Dad to be normal and to go out to the rugby. How can I go and stand on a terrace for hours when there is work to be done. I don’t burn enough calories standing around either. I’d rather just go to the gym, work, exercise, work. Why can’t they leave me alone to do what suits me?

Hungry all day today. Managed to make my porridge last for over 20 minutes by taking small spoonfuls. Added a little bit of water to make it bigger without extra calories. Then I managed to stretch eating lunch until 3:30pm. Chicken noodle soup – 100 calories; yoghurt 50 calories and an apple – 40 calories was pretty average so managed to keep my intake down. I was still striving after though so drank 2 litres of Pepsi through the afternoon. Feeling bloated and sick now. Full of gas and running to the toilet every 15 minutes. This is no life – merely an existence. I feel bloated, tired and useless. I’m craving to eat but that would be a failure and would be letting Rex down!